7 Signs Your Confidence Is Growing Even If You Still Don’t Feel Confident

For most of my life, confidence has been something I thought I needed more of.

I’ve questioned myself.

Second guessed myself.

Compared myself.

Worried about what people thought.

Replayed conversations after they were over and wondered whether I should’ve said something differently.

And I wish I could tell you I woke up one morning and all of that disappeared.

I didn’t.

Even now, I’m still working on my confidence.

A lot of that work has happened quietly and by myself.

There was no big announcement.

No dramatic moment where I suddenly became the woman who walks into every room completely sure of herself.

Actually, some days I still walk into the room wondering where I’m supposed to sit.

But I’ve started noticing something.

Maybe confidence doesn’t always arrive as a feeling.

Maybe sometimes we can be growing more confident before we even realize it.

I spent so much time looking for confidence to feel big that I almost missed the smaller ways it was starting to show up in me.

These are some of the signs I’ve begun noticing.

1. I Don’t Need Everyone to Understand My Decisions Anymore

This one has taken me a long time.

I used to feel like if someone questioned one of my decisions, I needed to explain it until they understood.

And then explain the explanation.

And maybe give them a little background information just in case.

Looking back, I think some of that came from wanting approval.

If the other person agreed with me, I could relax because maybe that meant I had made the right choice.

The problem is that living like that can make other people’s opinions louder than your own.

When our sense of worth depends heavily on other people’s approval, it can become much less stable.

Their reaction starts having too much power over how we feel about ourselves.

I’m still learning that someone can disagree with me and I can still be okay with my decision.

They might even think I’m making a terrible mistake.

That’s uncomfortable.

It also doesn’t automatically mean they’re right.

2. I’m Getting Better at Letting Silence Be Silence

I used to think confidence meant knowing what to say.

Now I think part of it is being okay when there’s nothing to say.

I’ve had moments where I felt the need to fill every quiet space in a conversation.

Explain myself.

Smooth something over.

Make sure nobody was uncomfortable.

Sometimes we talk because we have something to say.

Sometimes we talk because silence makes us nervous.

I’m learning the difference.

There’s something surprisingly peaceful about realizing I don’t have to rush into every empty space.

I don’t always have to defend what I said.

I don’t have to keep talking until someone agrees.

And I definitely don’t have to turn a perfectly good two sentence answer into a TED Talk nobody asked for.

Sometimes I can say what I mean and leave it there.

That may sound small.

For me, it isn’t.

3. Disagreement Doesn’t Automatically Mean I’m Wrong

This has been a big one for me.

Someone disagreeing with me used to make me immediately look back at myself.

Did I misunderstand?

Was I too sensitive?

Did I say it wrong?

Should I change my mind?

There’s nothing wrong with questioning ourselves sometimes.

I actually think being able to reconsider something is healthy.

But there’s a difference between being open minded and automatically assuming the other person must know better.

I’ve had to learn that two people can look at the exact same situation and walk away with completely different opinions.

And neither person has to fall apart over it.

Confidence, at least the kind I’m trying to build, isn’t believing I’m always right.

Lord knows that would be dangerous.

It’s knowing that disagreement by itself doesn’t make my judgment wrong.

4. I Can Notice When I’m Looking for Reassurance

I still want reassurance sometimes.

I want to make that clear because I don’t believe confidence means becoming a woman who never needs anybody.

We’re human.

Sometimes I want someone to say, “Yes, that makes sense.”

Sometimes I want to hear, “You handled that well.”

Sometimes I want confirmation that I’m not imagining something.

What has changed is that I’m getting better at catching myself when I’m asking other people to give me an answer I already have.

Because there have been times when I knew what I wanted to do, but I kept asking different people for their opinions.

Why?

Sometimes I was hoping somebody would give me permission.

Sometimes I didn’t trust myself enough to make the call alone.

And sometimes I wanted somebody else to share the responsibility in case everything went sideways.

I’m laughing, but it’s true.

I understand that much better now because I’ve lived pieces of it.

These days I still listen to people I trust.

I’m just trying not to hand them the final vote on my life.

5. I’m Learning That “I Don’t Know” Isn’t an Embarrassing Answer

There was a time when not knowing something could make me feel exposed.

Like everyone else had been given some secret adult instruction manual and mine got lost in the mail.

Now?

I’m becoming much more comfortable saying, “I don’t know.”

Or even harder sometimes:

“I was wrong.”

I used to think confidence meant being sure.

I’m starting to think real confidence has room for uncertainty.

I can be a smart woman and not know something.

I can make a good decision and still make a bad one later.

I can misunderstand someone.

I can change my opinion.

I can learn something new and realize the version of me from five years ago would’ve argued the complete opposite.

None of that cancels my worth.

If anything, being able to admit those things feel steadier than pretending I have an answer when I don’t.

6. I Don’t Feel the Same Need to Compete for Space

I’ve been in rooms with women who seem completely comfortable with themselves.

Years ago, that could bring up things in me.

Comparison can sneak in quietly.

She’s prettier.

She’s more successful.

She speaks better.

She seems more confident.

Everyone likes her.

And suddenly I’m mentally competing with a woman who doesn’t even know we entered a competition.

That’s exhausting.

I’m beginning to understand that another woman being impressive doesn’t make me less valuable.

Her confidence doesn’t take mine.

Her beauty doesn’t reduce mine.

Her success doesn’t mean I failed.

I can admire another woman without using her as evidence against myself.

That may be one of the quieter changes in me that I’m most grateful for.

7. I’m Coming Back to Myself Faster

This might be the biggest sign for me.

I still second guess myself.

I still have moments when my confidence takes a hit.

I can hear one comment and think about it longer than I probably should.

I can make a decision and wonder later if I made the wrong one.

I can have a very confident Monday followed by a Wednesday that apparently didn’t get the memo.

But something is different.

I come back faster.

I don’t stay inside every doubt as long as I used to.

I’m starting to recognize the difference between a real concern and an old insecurity knocking on the door again.

 A more stable sense of worth doesn’t mean nothing bothers us.

It means our entire opinion of ourselves is less likely to rise and fall with every success, failure, compliment, rejection or outside opinion.

That feels much more realistic to me than the idea of becoming permanently confident.

I don’t need to become untouchable.

I want to become steadier.

Maybe Confidence Has Been Quieter Than I Expected

For years, I thought I would know when I became confident because I would feel completely different.

I would stop questioning myself.

I would always know what to say.

I would walk into rooms without feeling nervous.

I would never care what anybody thought again.

Well.

That woman has yet to show up.

And maybe she isn’t supposed to.

Because the more I work on myself, the more I’m realizing that confidence might have less to do with never feeling insecure and more to do with what happens after insecurity shows up.

Do I abandon myself?

Do I immediately assume somebody else knows better?

Do I change my decision because someone doesn’t like it?

Do I need applause before I can believe I did something well?

Or can I feel uncertain for a moment and still stay with myself?

That’s the question I’m carrying now.

Not, “Am I finally confident?”

But “Am I trusting myself a little more than I used to?”

Some days the answer is yes.

Some days I’m still working on it.

And I’m okay admitting both.

If you’ve spent years struggling with confidence too, maybe you don’t need to look for some huge transformation in yourself.

Look at the little things you handle differently now.

The conversation you didn’t over explain.

The decision you made without calling everybody first.

The disagreement you survived without changing who you were.

The moment you admitted you didn’t know.

The time another woman shined and you didn’t make her light mean something bad about yours.

Maybe there are pieces of confidence already there.

Quiet ones.

And maybe we don’t have to announce them for them to count.

#EvolvingWomanhood

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