Dating After Divorce with Kids: What I Refused to Put My Children Through

There are some things you decide as a mother that nobody else fully understands because they weren't there when you made the decision.

They didn't see what your children had already been through.

They didn't hear the questions.

They didn't watch them adjust to a new house, a different schedule, holidays that suddenly needed a calendar and weekends that belonged to one parent or the other.

They didn't see the little changes that happened after the big one.

I did.

So, when my ex and I were getting divorced, one thing mattered deeply to me.

I didn't want our children having random people coming in and out of their lives.

We actually agreed on that in the beginning.

If either of us started dating, we weren't going to immediately bring that person into the children's world unless the relationship looked like it was going somewhere.

To me, that wasn't being strict.

It wasn't being old fashioned.

It was me looking at my children and thinking, they have already had enough change.

I didn't want to keep asking them to adjust.

Divorce Changed More Than Where We Lived

I think adults sometimes talk about divorce in very practical terms.

Who gets the house?

What's the custody schedule?

Who gets the children for Christmas?

Who pays what?

Those things matter.

But children aren't living inside paperwork.

They're living inside what disappeared.

The family dinners.

Mom and Dad being in the same house.

Knowing where they'll wake up every morning.

Those normal little things that don't seem important until they're gone.

My children had already lost the version of family they knew.

And I carried that with me.

I wasn't walking around crying about it every day, but it was there.

That feeling of wanting to protect whatever stability I could still give them.

So, when I thought about dating, I wasn't only thinking about myself.

I was thinking about how another person entering my life could eventually enter theirs too.

I Wanted Love Again. I Just Didn't Want to Rush It into My House.

I was divorced, not dead.

Of course I still wanted companionship.

I wanted somebody to talk to.

I wanted to go out.

I wanted to laugh.

I wanted to feel attractive again.

I wanted somebody to look at me and see a woman, not somebody's mother, somebody's ex-wife, somebody handling bills, schedules and everything else that needed to get done.

There is nothing wrong with wanting that.

And I think sometimes women feel guilty admitting it.

We can love our children with everything in us and still want somebody beside us.

Both things can be true.

But wanting someone in my life didn't automatically mean I wanted him in my children's lives.

That was different.

When I dated, if a man spent the night, it wasn't while my children were with me.

Sometimes he might go to dinner with us or come to a movie.

My children could know him.

But I wasn't trying to create an instant family.

I didn't want somebody sliding into a place he hadn't earned yet.

As far as my children knew, he was a friend.

And honestly, in the beginning, that's about what he needed to be.

Because I didn't know yet if he was staying either.

I Needed Time to See Who Someone Really Was

I think this gets harder when you're lonely.

A person comes into your life and suddenly things feel lighter.

You have somebody texting you good morning.

Somebody asks how your day went.

Somebody wants to see you.

And after divorce, especially after a difficult marriage, that attention can feel really good.

I understand how easy it is to start imagining the future.

But chemistry can make us very optimistic.

A little too optimistic sometimes.

Three nice weekends and suddenly we're mentally deciding where this man will sit at Thanksgiving.

No.

I needed time.

I needed to know who he was when things weren't fun.

Who was he when I said no?

Who was he when we disagreed?

Who was he when I couldn't see him?

Who was he when life wasn't romantic?

Because if a man was eventually going to become important to my children, I wanted to know a lot more than whether he knew how to plan a good date.

I needed to know what kind of person I was bringing near them.

Then I Watched the Agreement with My Ex Change

This was one of the harder parts for me.

The agreement we made in the beginning didn't last.

Once my ex started dating, girlfriends began spending nights at his house.

Then weekends.

Sometimes even weeks.

They weren't just somebody Dad went to dinner with.

They were there.

Part of the house.

Part of the routine.

And then eventually they weren't.

Another relationship would come along.

I hated it for my children.

I really did.

And I know hate is a strong word, but that's what I felt.

Because I kept thinking about our children.

I couldn't understand why they needed to be involved in the relationship that quickly.

From my point of view, our children had already experienced the loss of their family being together.

Why keep bringing people close to them who might disappear too?

Research on family instability has found that repeated changes in a parent's romantic relationships can be associated with certain behavior and developmental difficulties in children.

One long term study found that partnership changes, including dating relationships, were connected with differences in verbal ability and some behavior problems in young children.

That doesn't mean every person a parent dates harms a child.

It doesn't mean every breakup leaves permanent damage.

And it definitely doesn't mean single parents should stop dating.

But it does tell me my concern wasn't ridiculous.

Repeated change can matter. 

Children Notice More Than We Think They Do

This is something I think adults underestimate.

We think because we haven't sat the children down and announced, "This is my new serious relationship," they aren't paying attention.

Please.

Children notice everything.

They notice whose car is outside.

They notice who's sleeping over.

They notice who has toiletries in the bathroom.

They notice who always comes on Saturday.

They notice when somebody starts sitting in the same chair at dinner.

And they definitely notice when that person stops showing up.

Children can become attached without ever using the word attached.

Someone becomes familiar.

Safe.

Expected.

Part of the rhythm of the house.

And when that person disappears, adults may understand the reason.

The relationship didn't work.

There were problems.

We wanted different things.

A child might only know that someone who used to be there isn't anymore.

That's what bothered me.

I Didn't Want My Children Practicing Goodbye

Maybe that sounds dramatic.

But that's what it felt like to me.

I didn't want them constantly getting used to someone and then getting unused to them.

I didn't want another person's presence becoming normal, only for the house to change again.

Divorce had already taught my children that people who once shared a home could stop sharing one.

I didn't want to keep adding lessons about people leaving if I could help it.

That was one of the biggest reasons I kept my dating life more separate.

I wasn't trying to hide anything.

I was trying to slow everything down.

There is a difference.

Sometimes I Wondered If I Was Being Too Careful

I questioned myself.

I think most mothers do.

Was I making too big a deal out of this?

Was I being overly protective?

Were the children fine?

Was I letting my own feelings about the divorce influence how I saw everything?

Those were fair questions.

Because I didn't want to make every decision from fear either.

And research doesn't give one perfect answer.

There are studies that connect repeated family changes with difficulties for some children, but there are also studies showing that the effects aren't the same for every child or every family.

Other things matter too.

Conflict matters.

Money stress matters.

How parents treat each other matters.

How involved the parents remain matters.

How safe and steady the home feels matters.

There’s no neat little rule that says one new boyfriend equals one damaged child.

Life doesn't work like that.

But stability still matters.

And I knew I wanted to give my children as much of it as I could.

The Hardest Part Was Knowing I Couldn't Protect Them Everywhere

This was probably the part that hurt me the most.

I couldn't control what happened at their father's house.

I couldn't decide who stayed there.

I couldn't enforce the agreement we had originally made.

I couldn't stand at his front door saying, "Nope. She's only been here two months. Try again later."

Believe me, there were days I probably would've enjoyed having that authority.

I didn't.

And that helpless feeling is hard for a mother.

You know something doesn't sit right with you.

You worry about how it's affecting your children.

But once they leave your house, there are things you can't control anymore.

That took me a long time to accept.

I had to stop spending all my energy trying to manage what happened somewhere I didn't live.

The only house I could completely control was mine.

So, I focused there.

I Realized My Children Didn't Need Me to Be Perfect. They Needed Me to Be Steady.

I couldn't undo the divorce.

I couldn't protect them from every person who disappointed them.

I couldn't stop every change.

But I could decide how I handled my own relationships.

I could take my time.

I could say no to bringing someone closer too quickly.

I could wait until I actually knew whether a relationship had a future.

I could keep my children's routines steady even while my personal life changed.

And I could remember that being excited about someone didn't mean everybody else had to be excited with me.

That became important.

Because sometimes when we're in love, or even when we're just really into somebody, we want everyone we love to love them too.

We want the children to like him.

We want everyone eating together and laughing and getting along.

We want the picture.

But children shouldn't have to help us create the picture before we know the relationship is real.

I Started Thinking About What Would Happen If He Left

At some point, I started asking myself a different question.

Not just:

Do I like this man?

Not:

Are we having a good time?

Not even:

Could this become serious?

I started asking:

If this man disappeared from my life tomorrow, would my children feel like they lost somebody too?

That question changed things for me.

Because if the answer was yes, then I wanted to be much more careful about how quickly he became part of their everyday life.

I didn't need a guarantee.

There aren't any.

A relationship can last ten years and still end.

A marriage can end.

People get sick.

People die.

Life happens.

I wasn't trying to protect my children from every possible loss.

I was trying not to create unnecessary ones.

There's a difference.

I Wasn't Choosing My Children Instead of Myself

I want women to hear this part.

Because sometimes motherhood gets turned into this strange competition where if we think about our children, we're accused of sacrificing ourselves.

And if we think about ourselves, we're accused of being selfish.

I don't believe those are our only choices.

I was allowed to date.

I was allowed to fall in love again.

I was allowed to enjoy my life.

I was allowed to want someone beside me.

And I was also allowed to say, "You aren't coming all the way into my children's world yet."

That wasn't rejection.

That was time.

It was me paying attention.

It was me recognizing that I wasn't the only person affected by who I chose.

What I Understand Differently Now

Looking back, I think I was trying to give my children one thing the divorce had taken away from them.

Predictability.

I couldn't give them their old family back.

I couldn't make their father's choices for him.

I couldn't promise that nobody else they loved would ever leave.

But I could make thoughtful choices in my own home.

I could let a man prove he belonged before I started making space for him beside my children.

I could enjoy a relationship without immediately changing everyone's routine around it.

And I could remember that children need time too.

Maybe you're dating after divorce right now.

Maybe you're wondering when someone should meet your children.

Maybe you're afraid you're moving too slowly.

Or maybe you've already introduced someone and now you're wondering whether you made the right decision.

I don't think beating ourselves up helps.

We're going to make some choices perfectly and other choices we're going to look back at and think, well, I definitely wouldn't do that again.

That's motherhood.

That's being human.

What matters is that we keep paying attention.

Our happiness matters.

So does the emotional temperature of the home our children walk into every day.

I never wanted my children to believe that everyone who entered our lives would stay.

I knew better than to promise them that.

I just wanted to give them one place where life didn't keep changing every time my relationship status did.

They had already adjusted to enough and they had already had enough taken out of their hands.

#EvolvingWomanhood

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