Money Between Friends Gets Awkward Fast Here’s What I’ve Learned

The Friendship Money Rules I Wish We Talked About More

There are certain things nobody really teaches us about friendship.

Like what to do when your friend orders two cocktails, an appetizer, the most expensive meal on the menu and dessert, while you ordered chicken and water because payday is still four days away.

Then the bill comes.

Someone looks around the table and says those five little words.

“Should we just split it?”

And suddenly everybody is very interested in their napkin.

Money can make a perfectly good friendship weird fast.

I know one thing that can cause a rift between friends is money.

Sometimes it isn't even a huge amount of money.

It can be twenty dollars, a dinner bill, concert tickets, a hotel room or that one friend who has apparently forgotten she owes everybody from the last three outings.

And the uncomfortable part is that many of us don't like talking about it.

So if you've ever stared at a group text thinking, I love y'all dearly, but I absolutely cannot afford what you're planning, you're in very good company.

I've learned that friendship and money work much better when we stop expecting people to read our minds.

Here are the friendship money rules I wish we talked about more.

Say What You Can Afford Before Everybody Starts Making Plans

This one can be uncomfortable.

Especially when you're rebuilding financially, living on one income or just trying to get through an expensive month.

Someone suggests dinner.

Then somebody else suggests a weekend getaway.

Next thing you know, the group chat has somehow gone from “Let's do something Saturday” to a hotel reservation, brunch, matching pajamas and a spa package.

Meanwhile, you're calculating whether you can participate and still pay your electric bill.

I've learned there is nothing wrong with saying, “That's more than I can spend right now.”

That's it.

I don't need to give anybody my bank balance.

I don't need a three paragraph explanation.

I don't need to convince everybody that my reason is good enough.

And I certainly don't need to spend money I don't have because I'm afraid somebody might think I'm cheap.

Sometimes I'll say, “I'd love to come, but I need to keep it around $50.”

That gives everybody something to work with.

Maybe we pick another restaurant.

Maybe I skip one activity.

Maybe somebody else says, “Girl, thank goodness you said something because I was thinking the same thing.”

A lot of money stress between friends could probably disappear if somebody was willing to be the first one to say the number out loud.

Talk About the Dinner Bill Before the Dinner Bill Talks About You

I used to think splitting a restaurant bill evenly was automatically the easiest thing to do.

I don't anymore.

Sometimes splitting evenly makes perfect sense.

If everybody ordered meals around the same price and we're all comfortable with it, great.

But if I ordered a $17 meal and water while somebody else ordered a $42 steak, three drinks and cheesecake, we did not have the same dining experience financially.

I'm paying for my chicken.

And I think that's fair.

Current financial advice around group meals also recognizes that social pressure can push people into spending more than they planned.

So I think the better friendship rule is this:

We decide what we're doing before the bill comes.

If we're splitting evenly, say that before everybody starts ordering.

If we're paying for our own meals, say that too.

Then nobody has to sit there at the end doing angry mathematics.

If I Owe You Money, You Shouldn't Have to Chase Me

This one matters to me.

If a friend buys my concert ticket, books my hotel room or covers something for me with the understanding that I'm paying her back, I want to take care of it quickly.

Because she isn't a bank.

And she shouldn't have to send me three increasingly uncomfortable texts asking whether I remember that $187 she put on her credit card.

That doesn't surprise me.

Because after a while, the issue isn't just the money.

It's the feeling that somebody made their responsibility your problem.

If I can't pay someone back when I originally expected to, I think the respectful thing is to say it.

“I can't send it Friday like I thought, but I can send it next Wednesday.”

Now she knows.

Silence is what makes things uncomfortable.

Small Money Isn't Small to Everybody

I used to hear rules like, “Don't ask your friend to pay you back for anything under $10 or $20.”

I understand the idea.

Friendships shouldn't turn into accounting departments.

If I buy my friend a coffee and say, “I've got you,” I'm not sending her a request for $6.42 before she gets home.

Sometimes I buy.

Sometimes she buys.

Life goes on.

But I also don't think we should decide that a certain amount is too small to matter to someone else.

Ten dollars might be nothing to one woman.

Ten dollars might be gas until Friday to another.

So my rule is different.

If I'm treating you, I'll make that clear.

If I'm just picking something up for you and expect to be paid back, I'll make that clear too.

No guessing.

No keeping a secret friendship spreadsheet in my head.

I Still Offer to Pay My Share

If a friend buys me lunch, picks up my ticket or grabs something for me, I offer to pay.

Even when I have a pretty good feeling she's going to say no.

Because I don't want generosity to become expected.

There is a difference between receiving someone's kindness and assuming you're entitled to it.

If she says, “Girl, stop. I've got it,” I'm going to thank her.

Then somewhere down the road, maybe I get lunch.

Maybe I grab her coffee.

Maybe I show up for her in another way.

It doesn't have to be perfectly equal down to the penny.

Friendship isn't a receipt.

But appreciation should still be there.

If I Back Out of the Girls Trip, I Can't Assume Everybody Else Will Pay for It

Group trips can test friendships in ways nobody warns us about.

Before the trip, everybody is sending beach pictures and talking about how much fun we're going to have.

Then somebody cancels.

Now five people are staring at a rental house that was priced for six.

If I'm the one cancelling after reservations have already been made, I don't think it's automatically fair for me to expect every dollar back.

Some things may be refundable.

Some things may not.

And some costs may increase for everybody else because I'm no longer going.

That conversation may not be nearly as exciting as deciding where we're eating brunch.

Have it anyway.

I'd rather have five minutes of awkward conversation before a trip than five months of resentment afterward.

The Friend with More Money Is Still Not the Group ATM

This one needs to be said.

If one friend makes more money than everybody else, that doesn't automatically mean she should pay more.

Maybe she earns twice what I earn.

Wonderful.

I am happy for her.

Her salary did not secretly enroll her in the Friends and Family Financial Assistance Program.

If she chooses to treat everybody, that's generous.

But expecting her to do it is something else.

I've seen how easy it is for people to look at someone else's income and start deciding what that person can afford.

“She makes good money.”

“She doesn't have kids.”

“Her husband makes a lot.”

“She can afford it.”

Maybe.

But it still isn't our money.

The healthier thing is for everyone to be honest about what they can afford before plans are made.

If Somebody Owes Me Money, I Can Ask for It

This used to feel uncomfortable to me.

I think many women understand this feeling.

We don't want to look petty.

We don't want to make things awkward.

We don't want somebody thinking we're desperate for the money.

So instead of asking, we wait.

Then we wait some more.

Then we're irritated.

Then we're telling another friend, “She STILL hasn't paid me.”

Meanwhile, the person who owes the money might genuinely have forgotten.

I've learned I'd rather send the text.

“Hey, just reminding you about the $60 from the tickets whenever you get a chance.”

That's not rude.

That's communication.

And if somebody consistently gets offended because I expect them to repay money they agreed to repay, that tells me something too.

What I've Really Learned About Friends and Money

The older I get, the more I think money problems between friends are often communication problems wearing a price tag.

We assume.

We avoid.

We don't say what we can afford.

We don't say what we expect back.

We agree to plans we know are stretching us too far.

Then resentment sneaks in.

I don't want money to decide whether a good friendship survives.

But I also don't think protecting a friendship means staying quiet while I'm uncomfortable.

If I can't afford something, I can say it.

If I owe you, I need to pay you.

If you owe me, I can ask.

If we're planning something together, we can talk about money before anybody pulls out a credit card.

And maybe one of the kindest things we can do for each other is stop making money such a shameful conversation.

Because the truth is, women sitting at the same dinner table can be living completely different financial lives.

One of us may be starting over.

One may be paying off debt.

One may have two incomes at home.

One may be helping her parents.

One may finally have breathing room.

We don't have to have matching bank accounts to have a good friendship.

We just need enough honesty to stop pretending money doesn't matter.

And enough care for each other to talk about it before twenty dollars turns into twenty years of “Remember when she never paid me back?”

#EvolvingWomanhood

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