I Needed to Hear This Today Too

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Lately, I’ve been carrying more than I know how to explain.

I wake up thinking about it.

I move through my day thinking about it.

Even when I’m doing something that has nothing to do with what’s bothering me, part of my mind is still back there, turning everything over and trying to find an answer.

Some days I’m fine for a little while.

I answer messages.

I get things done.

I laugh when something is funny.

I keep moving because life doesn’t stop just because my heart feels heavy.

Then the quiet comes.

That’s usually when everything I’ve been pushing to the side comes walking back into the room like it pays rent.

The worry.

The questions.

The tiredness.

The thoughts I’ve already thought a hundred times.

I know I’m going through a lot right now.

I also know I’m not the only woman trying to hold herself together through a hard season.

Maybe your life looks completely different from mine, but you know the feeling.

You may be worried about your family.

You may be trying to recover from something that changed you.

You may be dealing with money problems, a relationship that’s wearing you down, work that’s draining you, or a kind of loneliness that gets louder when everyone else goes home.

Maybe you’ve been the strong one for so long that people have stopped asking whether you’re okay.

Maybe you’re tired of hearing yourself say, “I’ll figure it out,” because you’ve been figuring things out alone for years.

Maybe nothing has completely fallen apart, but nothing feels settled either.

You’re still getting through your days, but inside, you feel stretched thin.

I understand that feeling.

There are times when I can feel myself trying to act normal while my mind is carrying on an entire separate life.

I can be sitting still while my thoughts are running a marathon nobody signed them up for.

One thought leads to another.

Then another.

Before I know it, I’m worrying about today, next month, next year, and something that happened five years ago.

My mind can get very ambitious when it comes to finding new things to worry about.

When life feels this heavy, I sometimes start judging myself for how I’m handling it.

I wonder why I’m so tired.

I wonder why I can’t stop thinking about it.

I wonder why I’m not stronger, calmer, or further along by now.

That’s when a hard time can become even harder.

It’s one thing to carry pain.

It’s another thing to blame myself for feeling it.

I’ve had to remind myself that being tired doesn’t mean I’m weak.

Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean I’m failing.

Having a hard time doesn’t mean I’ve lost all the strength I had before this happened.

It means I’m a woman carrying a lot.

That may sound obvious, but it’s easy to forget when I’m in the middle of it.

I can give other people patience.

I can understand why another woman is exhausted.

I can look at her life and say, “Of course you feel this way. Look at everything you’ve been dealing with.”

Then I look at myself and expect business as usual.

I expect myself to keep showing up with the same energy, the same patience, and the same smile, no matter what’s happening behind it.

That isn’t fair.

I needed to hear that, and maybe you do too.

We don’t have to pretend this part is easy.

We don’t have to turn every painful moment into a lesson before we’ve even had time to feel it.

We don’t need to rush ourselves into being fine because our sadness, fear, or tiredness makes someone else uncomfortable.

Sometimes the truth is that life hurts.

Sometimes we’re disappointed.

Sometimes we’re scared about what comes next.

Sometimes we’re praying, but we still feel unsure.

Faith doesn’t mean I never feel afraid. It means I can bring that fear to God instead of pretending it isn’t there.

I’ve prayed beautiful prayers before.

I’ve also prayed prayers that sounded more like, “God, I need You because I really don’t know what to do.”

Both count.

There have been days in my life that I thought would take more from me than I had left to give.

There have been moments when I couldn’t see how anything good could come after what I was feeling.

But I’m still here.

Not because I handled every moment well.

Not because I always stayed positive.

Not because I never cried, doubted, became angry, or wanted to hide from everybody.

I’m here because somehow, I kept going.

Sometimes I moved forward with courage.

Sometimes I moved forward because the day kept moving and carried me with it.

Sometimes all I could manage was getting through one hour without giving up on myself.

That still mattered.

I think we forget how much strength it can take to keep living an ordinary day while something inside us is hurting.

Nobody claps because we got out of bed.

Nobody gives us a trophy because we answered the phone, made dinner, went to work, or took care of everyone while trying not to cry.

But we know what it took.

I know what it takes for me right now.

And I know another woman may be reading this while trying to make it through her own day.

Maybe she’s sitting in her car before walking into work.

Maybe she’s lying awake while everyone else is asleep.

Maybe she’s been smiling so nobody asks questions she isn’t ready to answer.

This is what I want to say to her, and to myself.

We’re going to be okay.

I mean that honestly. I’m not saying everything will suddenly work out by tomorrow.

I’m not saying the problem will disappear because we thought a positive thought or said the right prayer.

I’m saying this hard moment won’t always feel the way it feels today.

Right now, we’re tired.

Our minds are crowded.

Our hearts are carrying things we wish we could put down.

We’ve been trying to stay steady while part of us quietly wonders how much longer we can keep doing this.

But being worn out isn’t the same as being defeated.

Feeling unsure isn’t the same as having no way forward.

Carrying too much isn’t the same as falling apart.

Life may stretch us.

It may make us face feelings we’d rather avoid.

It may take us through days we would never choose for ourselves.

But this won’t be the end of us.

Our minds may tell us that we’re behind, that everyone else is handling life better, or that we should be stronger by now.

We can’t always believe those thoughts.

We see other people's outside lives.

We don’t know what happens when their doors close.

Some women aren’t doing better.

They’re just quiet about what hurts.

We don’t need every answer today.

We don’t need a complete plan for the rest of our lives.

We don’t have to stay strong every minute to prove we aren’t broken.

We can breathe.

We can let today be today.

We can ask God for enough strength for this moment instead of demanding that we carry the whole future at once.

We’ve already lived through days we once thought we couldn’t survive.

We’ve made it through losses, changes, disappointments, and pain that once felt bigger than us.

We may still have tender places from some of it.

But we’re here.

So right now, I’m trying not to ask too much of myself.

I’m not forcing myself to feel better before I’m ready.

I’m not pretending I have answers I don’t have.

I’m letting myself admit that this is hard, while also reminding myself that hard doesn’t mean hopeless.

And maybe that’s where you are too.

Maybe you’re tired of trying to explain how you feel.

Maybe you’re tired of being the one who keeps going.

Maybe you just needed someone to say that you’re not weak because this season has worn you down.

You’re human.

So am I.

And sometimes being human means we cry, we question things, we get scared, and we need a little more time than we thought we would.

But I still believe we’re going to be okay.

Not because I know exactly what’s coming next.

I don’t.

Not because everything is starting to make sense.

Some of it still doesn’t.

I believe it because I’ve watched hard days pass before.

I’ve watched pain change shape.

I’ve watched myself slowly come back after thinking I never would.

God has carried me through things I couldn’t see my way through at the time.

And I believe He’s carrying me now, even on the days when I can’t feel it.

So today, I’m not asking myself to fix everything.

I’m just asking myself not to give up.

And if you’re having a hard day too, maybe that’s enough for both of us right now.

We don’t have to know how the whole story ends.

We just have to stay long enough to see what comes after this part.

#EvolvingWomanhood