What I Wish People Knew Before Trying to Help Someone With Depression

I have dealt with depression for most of my life, and one of the hardest things about it was trying to explain something I barely understood myself.

There were times I knew I wasn't okay.

I knew I felt heavy.

I knew getting through an ordinary day felt harder than it looked from the outside.

But if someone had asked me, “What do you need me to say right now?” I honestly don't know if I could have answered them.

That's the part people don't always understand.

When you're depressed, you may not know what you need.

And when you love someone who's depressed, you may be terrified of saying the wrong thing.

I've been on the side that needed help, and I remember what it felt like when people cared about me but didn't quite get what I was going through.

I don't blame them for that.

Depression is hard to explain to someone who hasn't felt it.

But I also know that some words can make an already lonely place feel even lonelier.

So, this isn't me telling anyone how to fix depression.

I wouldn't trust anybody who said there is an easy way to deal with someone who is depressed.

This is what I wish more people understood.

I Didn't Need Someone to Convince Me That My Life Was Good

One of the strangest things about depression is that you can know there are good things in your life and still feel awful.

Those two things can exist in the same room.

So hearing, “But you have so much to be grateful for,” doesn't necessarily help.

I already knew that.

Sometimes knowing it actually made me feel worse because then I started wondering what was wrong with me for not feeling happier.

Depression isn't proof that someone is ungrateful.

Sometimes the kinder response is much less impressive.

“That sounds really hard.”

That's it.

You don't have to find the magical sentence.

You don't have to remind them that somebody somewhere has it worse.

Pain isn't a contest, and nobody gets a trophy for suffering most.

I Didn't Need to Be Fixed Before I Finished Talking

I think people get uncomfortable when someone they love is hurting.

We want to make it better.

We start offering ideas, advice, books, podcasts, vitamins, exercise, prayer, vacations, hobbies, and probably someone on Instagram who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning and drinks something green.

Meanwhile, the person talking may just need you to listen.

I remember wanting to be understood more than I wanted someone to come up with an answer.

Listening doesn't mean agreeing when someone says something hopeless about themselves or their life.

It means making enough room for them to tell the truth about how they feel without immediately trying to drag them into a happier mood.

Sometimes “I'm here” is more useful than a speech.

Please Don't Tell Me to Think Positive

If positive thinking alone cured depression, a lot of us would have handled this years ago.

“Think positive.”

“Snap out of it.”

“Other people have it worse.”

“This is just a phase.”

Those words may come from a good place, but they can sound like, “Your pain would go away if you tried harder.”

Depression can affect sleep, energy, concentration, appetite, interest in things we normally enjoy, our ability to handle everyday responsibilities, and much more.

It doesn't look exactly the same in everyone.

If symptoms stick around or interfere with daily life, talking with a health care professional matters.

Sometimes a primary care doctor is a good place to begin.

A doctor can also check whether a medication or another health problem, including certain thyroid conditions, could be causing similar symptoms.

Getting help isn't being dramatic.

Sometimes it's the next practical thing to do.

If You're Worried About Suicide, Ask the Question

This is the part people are afraid to talk about.

If someone you love says something that makes you wonder whether they may be thinking about suicide, ask them directly.

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?”

I know that sounds frightening.

But asking the question doesn't put the idea into someone's head.

Asking directly can help identify someone who may be at risk.

And if they say yes, take it seriously.

Don't panic in front of them.

Don't shame them.

Don't decide they “do this all the time” and ignore it.

Stay with them if you safely can.

Listen.

Help connect them with crisis support.

If there is immediate physical danger, call 911.

This is one of those moments where being uncomfortable is okay.

Changing the subject isn't.

Don't Disappear Because You Don't Know What to Say

I think this one matters more than people realize.

Sometimes people hear something heavy and freeze.

Then they back away.

Maybe they're scared.

Maybe they don't want to intrude.

Maybe they think the person needs space.

But silence can feel very different to the person sitting in depression.

You don't need perfect words.

You can say, “I don't know exactly what to say, but I don't want you sitting with this alone.”

You can ask, “Would it help if I stayed?”

You can ask, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do next?”

And then check again later.

Not just that night.

Depression doesn't always leave because somebody had one good conversation on Tuesday.

A text a few days later that says, “I've been thinking about you.

How are you today?” can matter.

Following up also matters when someone has been struggling with suicidal thoughts.

There Comes a Point When Love Needs Backup

This is something I wish more people understood on both sides of depression.

A friend can love you deeply and still not know how to treat depression.

A child can't be their parent's therapist.

A sibling can't be on call every hour of every day.

A partner can't carry the entire weight alone.

Love matters.

Presence matters.

Checking in matters.

Professional support matters too.

• In the United States, you can call or text 988 or chat through the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is free, confidential, and available 24/7. You don't have to be actively suicidal to reach out. People can contact 988 for depression, loneliness, relationship problems, financial worries, emotional distress, and other struggles.

• Veterans and service members can call 988 and press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.

• If speaking out loud feels like too much, Crisis Text Line offers free, confidential support 24/7 in the United States by texting HOME to 741741.

• The Trevor Project offers crisis support for LGBTQ young people by calling 1 866 488 7386 or texting START to 678678.

• Outside the United States, Find A Helpline lists crisis and support lines in countries around the world.

• For ongoing care, you can also start with your primary care doctor or use http://FindTreatment.gov to search for mental health services in your area.

You don't have to wait until everything is falling apart before asking someone to help you hold some of it.

What I Wish I Could Tell the Person Sitting Where I Once Sat

I've lived with depression for much of my life.

I know what it's like when people look at you and don't understand why you can't just feel differently.

I know how hard it can be to explain yourself when you don't even have the words for what's happening inside you.

And I know there can be days when you aren't looking for inspiration.

You just want the day to hurt less.

So, I'm not going to tell you to smile, count your blessings, get over it, or pretend tomorrow will magically be different.

I'm going to tell you something I needed to understand myself.

What you're feeling deserves to be taken seriously.

You deserve to say it out loud.

You deserve help before you reach the point where you think you're “bad enough” to ask for it.

And if you're the person trying to help someone you love, you don't need to rescue them with the perfect words.

Listen.

Stay.

Ask the hard question when you need to.

Help them reach people who know what to do next.

There were times in my own life when I couldn't see very far ahead.

Sometimes all I could deal with was the day I was standing in.

Maybe that's where you are.

Then today is enough for today.

There are people who can sit with you in this.

There is help you haven't tried yet.

There may be parts of your life you can't picture from where you're sitting right now.

You don't have to picture all of them tonight.

For now, stay.

If all you can do today is reach out, let that be enough.

You don't have to have the right words to be worth showing up for.

#EvolvingWomanhood

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